The Horseman's Guide to the Art of Decapitation
by TheIncredibleOne
Summary: In which the horseman himself contrives to write an instruction manual detailing the intricacies of the delicate art of decapitation.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story...instruction manual... whatever you wish to call it... was inspired by the story The Headless Horseman In Denial by piratingelvenpyro. This isn't like a sequel or anything... but she gave me the rather brilliant idea. So you should read her story. Because it is really rather excellent. Oh, also, the next chapters will be more instruction manually. This is just the "introduction."

**The Definitive Guide To The Art Of Decapitation **by the one and only Headless Horseman

_Introduction_

Loyal readers,

For hundreds of years I have wandered this world, existing upon the border between life and death. I have survived wars, famine, and merciless animated movie adaptations. How, you ask? That is a question that I myself have not yet managed to completely answer. However, I feel that it likely has a great deal to do with my incredible wit, charm, and skill with a really, really sharp blade.

It is this fortunate combination of characteristics which leads me to writing this… what shall I call it? Instruction manual? I suppose that would be the correct term. Instructions for dealing out death with a very, very sharp blade. Oh, look how easy this is! I seem to have let slip…

Horseman's Helpful Pointer Number 1: Make sure your decapitation instrument is really really sharp! In this day and age, unless you want to get sued for violating the Geneva Convention, we in the honored field of decapitation stress the importance of the relatively painless removal of the cerebral region.

We're not even done with my self-promoting introductory chapter and I've already introduced you to the easy to follow format of this book. I trust that you will find it a veritable treasure trove of information, ranging from the history of beheading to decapitation today. Notable decapitates (myself included) will of course be discussed, as will technical head removal information. But the fun and education doesn't stop there! As this is intended to be the definitive manual on all things decapatory, it includes chapters such as What To Do With A Headless Corpse and Frequently Asked Questions.

As the world's foremost expert on decapitation with equine assistance, I feel it is my unparalleled duty to share my knowledge with the next generation. Therefore, it is in the spirit of brotherhood with my fellow ghost that I publish this book. (And it's quite a deal at only $12.95!)

I wish you happy reading, and safe and efficient beheading.

Sincerely,

The Horseman

Disclaimer

Despite using really really sharp swords, some test subjects experienced side effects including headache, neck pain, and other mild to moderate discomfort during the decapitation process. If you are pregnant, nursing, or have a history of heart conditions you should talk to your doctor to see if decapitation is right for you.


	2. The Noble History of Decapitation

A/N: Thank you, thank you to those lovely souls who reviewed! You make me happy. The Horseman grins menacingly at you… wait a second. He can't do that. He doesn't have a mouth. Oh well. If he could grin menacingly at you, I'm sure he would.

Chapter 1: The Noble History of Decapitation

Since the dawn of humanity, (horse)mankind has shown a great interest in invention and the betterment of society. Of course, efficient killing has always been one of the most-loved areas of study. Throughout the ages, thousands of creative deaths have been envisioned. However, there is certainly none as historical, useful, or well-loved as decapitation.

It is thought that "the honorable murder" was first created b a Cro-Magnon whose cavemate had angered him by stealing his tiger-skin bathrobe. The inventive caveman retaliated by uttering a great grunt of "Ugga!" and hacking at the unfortunate thief's head with a dinosaur tooth. The results thrilled him. Thus, decapitation was born.

As civilization evolved, it became more and more fashionable to forcibly remove the cranial regions of one's enemies. The Celts took great pride in these prizes, often nailing them above their doors to frighten enemies and innocent passer-by. But it was not until the Middle Ages that decapitation reached its peak, the "Golden Age of Head-Hacking."

With the rising popularity of public executions, decapitation became increasingly sophisticated. The victims were carefully placed with necks exposed on a specially built head-holder, and executioners were given shiny axes and spiffy black masks. (On a side-note, it is a common misconception that those masks were used to preserve the anonymity of the executioners. This is a glaring historical inaccuracy. In fact, the black masks were worn to honor the beauty and holiness of the headless body.) But I digress.

As with all great innovations, there were some slight problems. A few nit-picky victims complained because of dull axes, (thus the importance placed today on only engaging in beheading when properly equipped with a really, really sharp blade!) executioners who couldn't manage to get the head off on the first try, etc. Nonetheless, great decapitation proponents helped advance the art. One great example is that illustrious King Henry VIII. Responsible for numerous beheadings, he was an early advocate of the really really sharp blade. Legendarily, this was displayed with his acquiescence to his estranged wife Anne Boleyn's request for decapitation by an Italian sword (with a blade of folded steel.)

Tragically, like many ancient arts, decapitation was brought down a level by that hideous French invention, the guillotine. Now beheadings became purely mechanical, with the technique, the swordsmanship, the sheer beauty all falling by the wayside. Since those backwards days of the French Revolution, decapitation has largely gone out of style. The onset of guns and bombs, while efficient, have stolen from us one of (horse)mankind's greatest skills. But there is hope. Decapitation enthusiasts such as myself (and you, dear reader!) can, with proper devotion to spreading the Headless Word, revive the ancient techniques and reinstate The Art. As some famous ruler of note once said, "Off with 'is 'ead."


	3. Necessary Equipment

A/N: Yes, after many an age I have decided to write some more of this. I positively adore anyone who reviews. So does the Horseman. He told me so.

Chapter 2: Necessary Equipment

Needless to say, each and every sport brings with it a unique set of requirements. Some you're born with (such as dashingly good looks), some are skills that can be improved with constant practice (such a complete and total lack of mercy.) Proper equipment is, of course, also necessary. In this chapter I shall briefly outline each of the necessary items.

**A really, really, sharp blade:** Needless to say, it is more than a bit difficult to achieve proper decapitation with one's bare hands. Therefore, a decapitatory instrument is generally used. Of course, personal preferences as to the nature of the instrument vary, but since I'm the best you should listen to mine. Also, everyone else is wrong. As I discussed before, a really, really sharp blade is the weapon of choice, due to ease and that pesky Geneva Convention. Also, duller blades can be dangerous to those who wield them, as the increased number of blows that are necessary to properly sever a head with such a weapon can lead to a repetitive stress injury. That being said, I recommend a sword, with a blade of folded steel. I have heard that Japanese katanas have the sharpest blades of any sword, but as I am of English heritage myself I have a soft spot for a good broadsword. These are expensive weapons, but regard their initial cost a sound investment. After all, if you truly wish to reach the topmost levels of decapitation, you must be properly equipped. All true masters of the Art have top-quality swords. While yours may not be Excalibur, make sure that it is of sound construction and the highest quality materials. Be sure to maintain its really really sharp edge, and guard it from rust. Remember to always replace your sword in its sheath when not in use, and keep it out of reach of children and pets.

**A Horse:** It is possible to decapitate without a horse, but I vehemently believe that the necessary effect cannot be achieved without equine assistance. After all, horses lend their riders that elegance and power which is so seldom seen in executioners today. I recommend a large black stallion for greatest effect. I prefer horses of the Friesian breed myself, but others can be used to nearly the same effect as long as they are large, imposing, and tend to snort menacingly while they gallop. Before you attempt a horseback decapitation, however, it is recommended that you learn at least the rudiments of riding. Equestrian sports are inherently dangerous, and if you yourself are not headless, you should wear a helmet at all times while riding. Be sure to learn proper horse care as well, and do not overextend your equine companion. A horse should not be expected to carry a deadly assassination to gruesome scenes of murder and death day in and day out. Remember to give him plenty of breaks, water, and time to relax in a pasture.

There you have it, the tools necessary for proper decapitation! Though there are only two, they are invaluable and should be treated as precious commodities. Remember, horses appreciate carrots!


	4. Planning Your Attack

A/N: I love people who review. Every last one of ye. That being said, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to Witch of the Northwest, whose lovely review reached me just hours after my writing confidence was at an extremely low ebb, due to a most difficult English class. You saved me from throwing down my pen for good, and for that I thank you (though the rest of the world may not.) I send you all virtual scones. Chocolate chip scones. And cups of tea.

Chapter 3: Planning Your Attack

A sound plan is key in the successful execution of… executions. You cannot simply think to yourself "Self, today is a good day to lop off a few heads." This sort of reckless action inevitably leads to half-severed spines and heartache. Keeping this in mind, it is necessary to carefully research and prepare before carrying out your attack.

**Choosing Your Victim: **This is not as easy as it sounds. Many a time I have made offhand comments about how much I'd like to decapitate someone in jest; usually however these impulsive ideas do not stand up to scrutiny. For instance, the slaying of one's younger sister could cause rather awkward familial relations around the dinner table at Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should always consider the possible consequences of your actions. Especially when said consequences could involve flying turkey drumsticks. I also don't advise killing your boss; it vastly decreases your chances of actually getting that promotion.

**Choosing A Time And Place:** Sometimes I feel that choosing a setting for my decapitations is harder than choosing a restaurant for a first date. Not that I go on many of those. But I digress. The location you choose is instrumental in determining your success. For example, a crowded movie theater is probably not a good place to chop off someone's head. I also don't recommend schools, hospitals, or prisons. In fact, when planning my humane head removal operations, I make remoteness a priority. Confidentiality is key in protecting the privacy of both head lopper and loppee. Windswept fields are a traditional choice, and a safe standby. A few gnarled trees add just the right ambiance. These small details are what will make or break your execution endeavors. If windswept hills just aren't your thing, you could try a dark, gloomy, forest. The ruins of an ancient castle would also be suitable, especially if it happens to house a few restless spirits. These provide excellent scapegoats, and the local busybodies will enjoy whispering about the haunted ruins behind closed doors. Any location will do, really, as long as it is suitably desolate. The timing of your attack is just as important. After all, you don't want to perform a field execution just as Lord Crumpet leads half the county in a foxhunt, and you don't want to run into a tour group while decapitating in a ruin. The presence of your victim is a factor which must not be overlooked; you must make sure they will be there at the proper time, and alone. Ask them to accompany you on a tour of the aforementioned haunted ruins, or catch a gardener as they tend to their windswept field.

**Assemble Your Tools: **Groom your horse especially well on the morning of your attack; it would not do to have a muddy steed with a disheveled mane detract from your appearance. It is important to remember that you aim to strike fear into the hearts of all who see you, so avoid the pink saddle pads and purple chaps today. Black and blood-red is a sound color scheme for this line of work. If possible, you should wear a swishy cape. Something about the swishiness just oozes sophistication. Polish your sword so that it can glint menacingly in any sunbeams, moonbeams, or other sources of light that may catch it. Hop on your horse, sheath your sword, and you're off!

Remember, proper preparation will ensure that your executions go off without a hitch. And please, please, please remember that you will NOT be able to successfully terrorize anyone if your pink undies are sticking out of your breeches.


End file.
